I was 6 yrs old!

What is your excuse for making snap sweeping judgements?

For any of us when we can always ask questions and find out more information.

For allowing yourself to be manipulated emotionally? Can we be aware of how it starts within us?

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When I was a child, my maternal Grandfather rented the top two floors in a traditional house at the edge of what used to be the walls of the old city of Jeddah.

The house might have seemed old in a city quickly expanding north, south, and east (West being the sea) with modern buildings.

For me and my younger sister it was a castle in the air.

My Grandfather’s (rented) house had big terraces which traditionally were used for sleeping during summer, catching the cool breeze coming from the sea. Called ‘Bajnaid House’ in reference to the owner.

Lucky for us, my aunts rebelled against rolling and unrolling pallets every morning and evening. Instead, they opted for sturdy metal beds inside and opening the big windows when it got too hot.

A habit picked up from living in Mauritius while my grandfather was an Imam of the main mosque in the capital, Port Louis.

That always left the big terrace on the top floor for me & my sister as a playground.  We roamed around freely on our bicycle or played ball or with toys.

We had cousins (from both sides) over often for old fashioned play days.

We spent almost every weekend there, with trips to the beach often on Fridays.

However, when my aunts had guests, we absolutely had to pay our respect, no argument about it! Or there were consequences!

One day, my aunts received two relatives. One older and one younger.

I have seen them before and always thought they seemed very nice.

My sister Noora & I went to the living/reception area and allowed ourselves to be kissed and cooed over. Then we sat in the corner with some quiet toys.

All was well.

Then some words & phrases started to filter through the haze of my fantasy world.

‘Shameless’, ‘chasing her husband’, ‘scandal’, ‘devastated’.

My curiosity antennas went full up and directed towards the ladies as I listened carefully.

The older lady was telling my aunts, the story of her son being chased by his wife ‘from country to country’.

The anguish in the voice of the older lady got to me and I felt so angry at her daughter in law for causing her family so much grief.

Truly shameless.

My indolent life continued until another crucial visit.

A few weeks later my aunts received another visitor and, as usual, my sister & I were expected to come and say hello.

I was shocked beyond speech to discover it was THAT shameless woman!

My 6 yrs. Self was so appalled! What was wrong with my aunts? How could they receive such a woman?

Didn’t they hear how anguished those two nice ladies were. Especially the poor older woman.

I absolutely refused to say hello!

My aunts kept coaxing me, but I insisted. Then my grandmother and all my aunts, in turn, gave me meaningful looks.

Say hello or there will be consequences!

I shook my head obstinately!

I decided to make a stand, someone had to!

The lady told them “It is OK, don’t bother her pls, kids sometimes were shy”.

I did not appreciate any of her remarks! I was not shy, I was outraged!

I sat in the corner heaving sighs of total misery, clutching my cloth doll, Amy, tightly for comfort.   

I knew there will be punishment.

Probably no licking the bowl for a while. Rats!

Who can I prevail on to intercede?

My Grandpa had passed the year before. I grieved for him all over again as I remembered how he never let anyone upset me.

I was his first (surviving) grandchild and his princess!

I stole a glance at my aunt, and she looked back. “Wow! She looks really upset”, I thought.

My aunt Sara always made me feel that I was her moon and star, not at the moment it seemed.

This was serious.  

I looked at the shameless lady. She seemed innocuous.

Why on earth was she chasing her husband?

Didn’t they live together?

Why was he moving from country to country?

Why was she causing this family scandal and suffering?

Many questions that I wished I could ask. What would happen if I went up to the lady and asked her directly?

My Dad always encouraged me to do that, but most others considered it ‘shameless’ for a child to ask questions.

I took another surreptitious look at my aunt’s face.

How far would the punishment go if I did ask. A horrible possibility popped into my head.

No cake??? No, no, no.

She seemed upset enough and I did not want to aggravate her further.

My aunt made the best cake in the world, how could I live without that for any length of time?

I looked at my sister happily playing with her dolls and toys.

Ah, to be 4 yrs. Old.  Oblivious of the existence of shameless women and the havoc they wreak.

I wondered if I could maybe get my sister to ask for a really big piece then persuade her to give me 2/3. After all I am bigger!

Maybe my aunts would not allow that.

I heaved another big sigh and just left the room.

No stomping though. I would not push my luck one tiny bit further.

I didn’t want to be deprived of my grandmother’s delicious gateau coco as well (A Mauritian desert).

I went to lose myself in my happy place.

My Grandfather turned a small room on the lower floor landing into a library. He fitted it with floor to ceiling shelves that he made himself. He liked to make things with his own hands.

He started stocking the lower shelves with books/comic books/magazines easy for me to read. My uncle continued that task.

It was my haven where I regularly disappeared for hours and learnt to shore myself up mentally and emotionally.

I did ask my mother & aunts about the story of this lady later, but I was not considered old enough to hear it.

Naturally, I was left in no doubt that this kind of behaviour towards guests will not be tolerated ever again!

Finally, when I was over 10 yrs. old, I considered old enough to hear the full story.

It turned out this lady was married and had a daughter and son. Her husband decided to go off and take a 2^nd wife in another country where he was spending a lot of time away from his family.

The wife decided she did not want to live this way and asked him for a divorce.

He refused!

Not only that but he also refused to talk things over with her and just stayed out of the country. The lady decided she will go to him wherever he was.

His family would tell him she was coming over, and he would simply go to another country to avoid her!!!

Eventually, she wore him down and got her divorce and raised her children almost completely by herself!!

7^th Sept 2022

Divorce in Islam is permissible but there is a gender difference. The man can divorce with a single world whereas women must apply to the courts with ‘sufficient justification’. There are various explanations for that, but I will not cover that here.

However, at the time of the Prophet (PBUH) a woman not wanting to live with a man was considered sufficient justification.

Over the centuries, it became more & more difficult for women to get divorce and almost impossible in the last 40 yrs. under the rule of extremist in Saudi and other Islamic countries.

With recent reforms new laws are gradually being put into place to ease that process for women. They would still apply to the courts but the definition of ‘sufficient justification’ is being expanded to allow women to make such life choices.

A situation that is still work in progress as there is still a strong social resistance with the culture still being predominantly patriarchal.